Be Nice

A first step in strengthening relationships is simple kindness. Everyone knows that, but few actually live it out every day, towards every person. Instead we pick and choose who to love and who to loathe. The Bible teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves and we don’t get to pick who our neighbor is.

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Message

Do you know the secret of getting people to like you? Be nice to them!

This sounds simple, but do you realize how all-encompassing the word NICE is? It means showing concern, offering grace and mercy, and being polite, hospitable, generous, encouraging, friendly, helpful, and dozens of other more specific words.

In practice, “being nice” might include saying “Thank You,” holding doors for those walking in behind you, helping someone when you see them struggling, sending a card of encouragement, giving a gift for no reason, standing up for the outcast, and a hundred other actions. Everyone knows you should be nice to others, but it works itself out in many various ways.

Your kindness typically evokes the same reaction: appreciation. I remember several times in the past month when I surprised people with kindness. I remember the smiles on their faces.

• I saw someone reaching for an item on a high shelf at the grocery store and offered to grab it for them.
• I pushed a stalled car out of the middle of Seventh Street.
• I bought pizza for the ladies who were here at the church sorting items for our Operation Christmas Child project.
• I got home earlier than Michelle expected and helped her make dinner.

I’m sure you all have similar memories of times when you spent time, money or energy to do a kind deed for someone. No doubt you brightened someone’s day.

This level of care builds stronger relationships. That’s why I’ve included being nice as part of our “Closer” series. As obviously true as this concept is, we still need a reminder and a bit of biblical clarification.

Kindness, caring, and respect are taught in public schools across our nation. These are “buzz words” every kid knows are important, yet our schools don’t seem much kinder or nicer than they’ve always been.

In a society so focused on being nice to everyone, it’s surprising how not-nice we appear in news headlines. Kids still bully other kids; they just do it under pseudonyms online. Belligerent adults at high school and even middle school sporting events have made the local news recently right here in our town. Even really nice, kind people can turn angry on a dime when someone brings up politics, gender or race – all topics of the day. While everyone knows the key to better relationships starts with kindness, we struggle to make that happen.

Fortunately for us, the Bible gives some specific guidance about being nice or kind to others. And guess what? The instructions are simple, and you probably already know them. The problem is living it out – all the time – with everyone. Being nice to those we like or being nice when we are in a good mood is easy. Being kind after a hard day to a person who grates on your last nerve – that’s when we need the Spirit’s help!

Bible Secrets to Kindness

I have four common Bible passages to show you today. None of these will be a surprise to you; but as we walk through them, I hope they remind you of the attitude we are to have toward other people.

The Fruit of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22-23 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Combinations of these traits paint the picture of how we are to treat others. When we operate out of love, patience, kindness, or gentleness, we sound like incredible people to be around! Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a friend or spouse or parent with those character traits?

When we read these verses we often think about how this advice changes us for OUR benefit, but think how much it would benefit the people around you and the relationships you share with them.

These traits are not common to our world; instead, they come from God’s Spirit. Our human nature, marred by sin, has been so twisted that we don’t naturally desire to be patient, caring, faithful and self-controlled. The people of the world think they just need more willpower to live out these traits. We Christians know that those relationship-altering traits come from our walk with the Spirit.

In Humility Value Others Above Yourselves

Philippians 2:3-4 – ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

These verses hold a special place in my heart because they are from the only chapter of the Bible I ever memorized fully. I did this as part of the activities of a discipleship group I belonged to in high school, and they have served me well through all my years since. This passage focuses on our humility and our willingness to value others above ourselves. This is NOT an American thing to do! Here we like to “call the shots,” “be my own man,” and enjoy the comforts we feel we have earned and deserve.

How might your relationships improve if you were to take to heart “not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others”? How might you respond differently in an argument? How might you be quicker to listen or to ask for forgiveness? How might you be more generous to those around you who are in need?

We discussed the verses following this passage several weeks ago when we talked about having the Mind of Christ, and we saw how this passage focuses on humility. I pointed out to you then how our pride stops us from actually living with that humility. Pride hurts not only our thinking, but our relationships as well.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Matthew 22:36-40 – “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 

³⁷ Jesus replied: “ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

These verses continue to drive home the same point: love your neighbor as yourself. Don’t elevate yourself above others. When you think you’re above others and they think they’re above you, relational dynamics get really messed up! How much better it is when everyone shows the same love for others as they have for themselves.

In our world, people like to pat themselves on the back for being nice and kind to their friends and families. They pick who is on their team and may consider them wonderful people. However, if you talk about politics or mention the one guy in the office no one gets along with, these “wonderful people” become ruthless.

That is the exact type of person Jesus was calling out in Luke 10 in the story of the Good Samaritan. This story is best known for the kindness the Samaritan showed the stranger who was beaten up, but the shocking part of the story was WHO showed the kindness. It was a hated, half-breed Samaritan man! The Jewish leaders were capable of showing kindness to other Jews, but to a Samaritan . . .? The idea that a Samaritan would show kindness to a Jew was unexpected.

The point Jesus was making was that we don’t get to pick and choose who we are kind and caring toward. Being nice, biblically speaking, means being nice to everyone. Even those you strongly disagree with. Even those who have said hurtful things about you. Even those who aren’t nice themselves. People don’t earn kindness from you. You give it graciously because that’s what God did for you.

Do to Others as You Would Have Them Do to You

Matthew 7:12 – So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

This last passage is the clearest. If you want to be nice, biblically speaking, simply treat people exactly how you want to be treated yourself. Our human sinfulness will sometimes push this guiding principle off track; but if you are truly seeking to treat others with love and kindness, this will almost always show you the way forward.

When you want to confront someone, imagine how you would want to receive that conversation and approach it with the same grace.

When you see someone you want to help, think of how you would want to receive help without feeling needy. Make sure not to overstep in your help. This simple rule guides you in when to speak and when to say nothing, how to encourage others, and how to challenge people’s sin without offending them or running them off.

If we all follow this Golden Rule, imagine how many of our relational conflicts could be avoided or corrected!

Common Thread

Did you notice the common thread in three of these verses, showing how following this basic command fulfills the law or is not against the law? Essentially, being nice fulfills all the law. This doesn’t mean “nice” as the world determines it, but kindness rooted in looking out for the interests of others according to how we want to be treated.

The Problem is ME!

When you step back and look at these simple teachings, one common enemy keeps us from following through with this kindness to others – ME!

We too often look at our relationships only through our own lenses – “What have YOU done for ME lately?” We focus on whether others are meeting our needs, our wants, our expectations. Meanwhile, on the other side of the relationship is likely another person just like you, looking at everything ONLY from THEIR perspective.

Is it any wonder relationships are HARD? The dynamic of selfishness destroying and kindness building relationships applies to marriages and relationships with your children, grandchildren, coworkers, and even church folks. We must focus on being kind, and that usually means I have to give up something within me.

• Time. Sometimes I have to step out of my busy schedule to do something for a friend, or maybe just sit with someone in their time of stress or sadness. For instance, when Michelle isn’t feeling well, she often wants me to just lie in bed next to her. It drives me nuts. With her being sick, all the household duties are on me. I need to do the dishes, go through the mail and take care of the pets. I don’t have time to sit with her. Then I think about how I feel when I am sick, and I realize she needs me to just sit still; and I lay down my plans and I give her my time.
• Money. Giving gifts and helping carry financial burdens are both amazing ways to be nice; and when you do something when it is not expected (like a time other than Christmas) it shows that you thought of the person and gave something with a cost. You’ve shown that person they matter to you. Financial generosity is an important aspect of being nice, and Christians have led the world in this for centuries. Even today, Christians out-give non-Christians in a massive way. This is as it should be. It is a biblical way to be nice to those in need. Many have come to faith in Jesus because of the relationships Christians and Christian organizations have built with them through their generosity.

• Expectations. Perhaps a person has failed to meet my arbitrary expectation. I can choose to get angry or recognize that it was only MY expectation and show grace. Missed expectations are one of the biggest sources of arguments in the home and in the workplace. Yet, if we are willing to lay down our expectations – or at least meet people with grace rather than judgment as we tell them about our expectations – it can make a big difference in the future of our relationship.

• Pride. It doesn’t matter if you were right, or if you were faster, or if you were smarter, or if you accomplished more. Being nice in these moments means thinking less about yourself and your superiority and more about how you can serve the other person.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s what jumped out at me. This week, take a moment to consider what you can give up of yourself to build stronger relationships through acts of kindness.

Get Closer by Being Kinder

If you want to be nice to others in a biblical sense, you have to take your eyes off yourself. All your relationships will grow and flourish as you choose kindness, compassion, grace and humility. You will get closer by being kinder. It’s that simple.

You have to choose! Are you willing to focus on this area of yourself? Much of fixing broken relationships or strengthening weak relationships has nothing to do with the relationship itself and everything to do with you.

If you want stronger, healthier and more joy-filled relationships, treat people as Jesus did – with kindness, care, gentleness and humility – exactly the way you would want to be treated. When you are unsure how to respond in a situation, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were in the other person’s position. Nine times out of ten, that simple thought will guide you through a tricky relational dynamic.

This is a simple message, but one that plays out in many different ways. It challenges our pride and selfishness so we can put others first – always! If we can do that, we will have much happier and healthier relationships.