Every relationship is has a moment where one person offends or hurts another. The question is, how do people move forward after the relationship is damaged? Often people ignore the hurt and let it fester, lash out with revenge, or go and tell the other person they are owed an apology. But the Bible tells us that we have to choose a different option: forgiveness. And we are supposed to forgive regardless how how grievous the sin, how many times they have hurt us, and even if the other person never apologizes. We instead follow Jesus’ example and simply forgive.
Message
The property my wife and I bought a few years ago is the northern portion of a large parcel that had been subdivided went it was listed for sale. At the same time we purchased our parcel, another buyer purchased the southern half. Shortly after purchasing, we were surprised when the buyer of the portion to the south of us put a barbed-wire fence along the property line.
I thought this was weird because the fence ran through timber quite some distance from where we and our neighbor were building homes. In fact, I thought he was just trying to make sure I never put my foot on his property.
However, in the six years since we bought our property, I have become thankful for that fence.
- It provides definition. When I planted some oak trees, I knew exactly where to put them and didn’t have to hunt for a few stakes marking the property line.
- It provides safety. When we hunt, I never have to worry about people I invite over mistakenly hunting on my neighbor’s land. Nor do I have to worry about him hunting on my land.
- It provides protection. My dogs have never once crossed through the fence; it keeps them on my property and the neighbor’s dogs on his property.
Now I understand my why my neighbor built the fence, and I wholeheartedly agree that “good fences make good neighbors.”
The Importance of Relational Boundaries
While we clearly understand the purpose of a fence between two properties, the concept of putting up a fence in your life – a boundary on your relationships – seems foreign to many people.
Understanding relational boundaries is one of the most important parts of maintaining healthy relationships. It’s crucial to know where I stop and you begin, what I am responsible for versus what you are responsible for, what I control versus what you control. Just as a fence provides me property definition, safety and protection, relational boundaries provide exactly the same things. When either one of us loses track of that line and crosses into the other person’s realm, it typically creates a problem. That’s why we have to know how to establish, mark and maintain our personal boundaries.
What are Relational Boundaries?
Think of a relational boundary as a fence around your heart. The fence separates what is inside your heart from everything outside of you. Inside your heart are your thoughts, your values, your sense of being, your emotions. Everything outside includes circumstances you can’t control – other people’s actions and desires, their expectations, and their physical presence.
In that fence around your heart you have a gate. You alone decide what comes into your heart and what goes out. You choose to accept some people’s kindness and let them into your life. You also get to close the gate – guilt-free – to other people’s overly demanding expectations. That’s your right as the owner of the gate. People do not have permission to barge through the gate into your heart and life.
This concept is based on the best-selling book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. If this topic touches you, I strongly recommend that you read this book.
This whole idea is rooted in Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Like a guard standing at a door, YOU are the one to protect your heart by validating who and what go in and out. That’s the job of a guard. If you let junk into your heart, junk will flow out of your heart. If you let angry people in you will become angry. If you let gossips in you will become a gossip. YOU have the job of saying “yes” or “no.”
Myths About Boundaries
You may think saying “yes” to some things and “no” to others sounds selfish. You may think it sounds like we are letting our own feelings– and not the Word of God – guide our actions and feelings. The Bible tells us to help the sick and needy, to give to the poor and to go the extra mile; so how can I now tell you it’s all right to say “no” to some things? We need to address some of the common myths about establishing relational boundaries.
Myth 1 – Love says “yes” to everything. Some people think following Jesus demands that you accept every opportunity to give, serve, and care for people around you. It is true that we are to do these things; but if we do them without the ability to ever say “no,” we will wear ourselves out. This is why some Christians feel so burned out and others feel guilty about saying “no” for the sake of their own sanity. I’m here to tell you it’s OK to say “NO.”
Matthew 5:35 – All you need to say is simply “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Here Jesus makes the point that you don’t need to “cross your heart and hope to die” when you say yes to something. He validates a person’s freedom to say “no” to some things. Remember, we live by grace and not by works, and sometimes we have to give ourselves grace to say “NO.”
Myth 2 – Setting a boundary is selfish. This is the assumption that while you CAN say “no,” it’s selfish. Anytime you set a boundary and tell someone you can’t help or do what they ask or listen to them vent about their problems for another hour, someone may call you selfish. But here’s the thing: God made us all with limitations; and sometime we hit our limits. Our time is filled up and our money is all accounted for. Setting a boundary with someone who asks us for something beyond our limits does not make us selfish. It shows we are wise stewards of what God has entrusted us with – time, finances, skills and relationships.
Even Jesus sometimes stepped away from teaching and healing to be alone in the wilderness to pray and connect with God. No one would ever say He was selfish for that. We must choose how to maximize our resources in the big picture of our lives; it’s not selfish to say “no” to someone who keeps trying to overstep a boundary you have set.
Myth 3 – Setting a boundary will hurt others. People often think that by not carrying someone else’s load you will ruin that person’s life. This secretly assumes that you are responsible for the problems of another. There’s an interesting proverb that speaks about how NOT setting a boundary causes more harm. Proverbs 19:19 – A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them and you will have to do it again.
If you don’t set a boundary, but make yourself responsible for getting someone out of the natural consequences for bad behavior (in this proverb it’s anger; but it could have been laziness, dishonesty, irresponsibility – you name it) – if you fix it for them, they will do it again and again and again.
This is a big issue with parenting today. Too many parents bail their kids out of the problems they create; and, without consequences, the kids keep making bad choices. I would argue that you actually hurt a person more when you don’t set a boundary. You keep enabling them to do bad things without ever dealing with consequences. They never face a situation that forces them to change and improve.
Myth 4 – Setting boundaries isn’t biblical. Some might think this whole discussion of boundaries seems more psychological than spiritual. I assure you that’s not true.
First, when we look at the Trinity, we see Father, Son and Spirit. They are ONE GOD, and yet each one is unique. The persons of the Trinity do not make an amorphous blob. In fact, they maintain boundaries among themselves as to who they are and what role they play. The word for this is differentiation, and it points to clear boundaries. If God set up clear boundaries within the Trinity, we should do the same.
Next, Galatians 6:2, 5 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. . . . For each one should carry their own load. The word used in verse 2 for “burden” points to the massive things in life – the death of a family member, the loss of a job, the issues for which you truly need the community to help you move forward. Yes, we are instructed to help one another in these situations. Yet just a few verses later, Paul also says each person should “carry their own load.” The word used here for “load” points to the normal things a person would carry with them on a journey – nothing too heavy.
This teaches us the balance we must keep in helping a person overwhelmed with some extraordinary burden without being sucked in to helping someone with an issue they should be carrying themselves – their own load.
Here’s an interesting example of what the Apostle Paul teaches the church at Thessalonica regarding relational boundaries:
2 Thessalonians 3:10-15 – 10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
11 We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12 Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat. 13 And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.
14 Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed. 15 Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer.
Paul is saying Christians SHOULD NOT give food to the hungry IF their hunger is the result of their own laziness. He is establishing a boundary and saying, “They need to carry their own load.”
Paul also tells the Thessalonians never to tire of doing what is good and not to associate with the lazy people. It may sound like these two things don’t fit together, but doing good for people doesn’t mean giving them a handout. It means helping them move forward. Causing them to confront their hunger and loneliness is actually doing good to help them grow up. Setting boundaries helps create healthy relationships rather than a community of people all taking advantage of one another or trying to manipulate one another.
Four Common Reasons Why Boundaries Are Broken
- Can’t say “No.” These people feel like doormats. They often feel guilty and also controlled by others. The gate is broken off the hinges. Anyone can come and go as they please.
- Can’t say “Yes.” These people are apathetic and critical of others’ needs. They are so self-absorbed they can’t open their gate for anyone.
- Can’t hear “No.” These people are controllers. Aggressively or through manipulation, they push their wishes onto others by forcing their way past another’s boundary.
- Can’t hear “Yes.” These evaders don’t feel worthy to let even the good news offered by others into their lives. They keep people at arm’s length so they never have a boundary issue.
Boundaries and Forgiveness
After laying all this groundwork, I want us to look back at last week’s message about forgiveness. Jesus clearly says we HAVE to forgive everyone who has wronged us. It doesn’t matter how grievous the action is, how many times it has been repeated, or whether the offender shows remorse. This makes some people feel like they are becoming doormats and that they must let people continue to crush their hearts.
Forgiveness, however, is not the same as giving someone full access to your heart. When you forgive, you open the gate of your heart and let OUT the hurt, the pain, and the bitterness; but you don’t have to leave the gate wide open for the person to come back in and injure you again.
After you forgive someone, you need to evaluate how much you should open your gate to them. We gain from John the Baptist an important lens through which to look at our own situation. Luke 3:7-8 – 7 John said to the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? 8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
John didn’t feel like these people’s desire to be baptized was authentic. He felt it was an act. He pointed out that the true sign that a person has changed and is ready for relationship again is that they produce fruit. So, while you have to forgive that family member or ex-spouse who has wounded you deeply, you don’t have to allow them access to your heart any longer. You can establish boundaries that limit their interactions with you. Your first responsibility is to guard your heart.
Open the gate. Shake out the hurt, and then close the gate. Don’t allow anyone to enter again unless you see genuine signs of repentance, the fruit John is speaking about. That’s the biblical process for dealing with major offenses people have done toward you.
Conclusion
I hope this brief overview of boundaries in our lives has given you enough information that you can evaluate your relationships. Take some time this week to consider the following thoughts, especially as they relate to difficult relationships in your life:
- Have you established healthy boundaries in your life? When you say “NO” to someone, do you maintain that line, or do you let them cross it anyway?
- If you struggle to define and maintain boundaries with people, ask God to help you trust Him in establishing new boundaries.
- Don’t do it alone. Talk to a trusted friend about how you might set a helpful line and what would be an appropriate consequence if the person continues to push across your boundary.
- An Important Note: When establishing new boundaries in your life, especially with people who regularly fail to HEAR YOUR “NO,” you must inform them of the consequences for stepping over your boundary in the future. Setting and following through on consequences defines and strengthens the boundary when people know you are done letting them trample you. This is biblical. God was very clear about what would happen to Israel if they failed to follow His commands; and when they disobeyed, He did exactly what He told them He would do.
- Do you respect other people’s boundaries, or are you pushy until you get your way (or angry if you don’t)? If you feel you might have this tendency, ask your closest friends and family members to be honest with you. If you recognize you tend to walk over others, ask God and those you have stepped on to forgive you. Pray for recognition every time you begin to do that same thing again so you can stop yourself and respect the boundary.
We are wired for relationships, and sometimes that means helping others carry their burdens. Other times it means recognizing that we need to carry only our own load, and we must leave others’ loads for them.
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