Every relationship is has a moment where one person offends or hurts another. The question is, how do people move forward after the relationship is damaged? Often people ignore the hurt and let it fester, lash out with revenge, or go and tell the other person they are owed an apology. But the Bible tells us that we have to choose a different option: forgiveness. And we are supposed to forgive regardless how how grievous the sin, how many times they have hurt us, and even if the other person never apologizes. We instead follow Jesus’ example and simply forgive.
Message
This message is the 4th in a series on relationships. Let’s review what we’ve learned so far:
- We are wired for relationships because we are created by a relational God.
- We are instructed to be open to all, not just friendly with people we already know. We extend hospitality with no strings attached.
- We are to BE NICE – Biblically Speaking. That means we are to love our neighbors as ourselves and do unto others as we would have them do unto us. None of this is based on whether they earned it, how they treat us, or whether we like them.
Today we’ll talk about Offense and Forgiveness.
In a nutshell, when one person wrongs another person, they commit an offense. If the person who is wronged never forgives, the two typically end up angry and bitter.
My Story: I started down this path in high school. Adam wronged me and publicly embarrassed me in his speech at senior awards night. I was so mad! I couldn’t even be around the guy for several months. I avoided him. I compared myself to him. I wondered why my friends continued to do things with him. Do you know what all that focus on Adam got me? NOTHING! He wasn’t going to apologize; so I had to recognize that keeping my anger was just making me bitter and not much fun to be around.
This is an important topic! If we don’t handle the hurt properly, we end up bitter. The open relational wounds in our lives become infected.
Everyone knows someone who holds onto grudges and has turned into a bitter person with no joy in their life. They are easily irritated; they feel forever victimized; they look unhappy all the time.
Anatomy of a Relational Breakdown
Every relationship has moments when one person hurts another. It’s part of being human and being in relationships.
The action that breaks the relationship is called an offense. The person on the receiving end is the one who has been offended.
All of us have been on both sides of this equation. Sometimes we are selfish and do something that hurts another person. Other times we are recipients of harsh words or a put-down that leaves us as the offended party. Sometimes this is intentional; but at other times it is unintentional, completely accidental, or a miscommunication.
I come from a family of people who are incredibly blunt; and blunt people who are “just saying it how it is” sometimes really hurt the feelings of a person who wasn’t raised that way. The blunt person typically says, “Well, just get over it”; but that doesn’t diminish the hurt of the offended person.
Other times, hurt and pain are caused by miscommunications. I’ve had people tell me they can’t believe I said something that really hurt them. During the conversation I rack my brain trying to figure out what they are talking about. After asking more questions, I realize they completely misheard what I said, or they thought I was talking about something that wasn’t in my mind at all.
The Offended Faces a Decision
Regardless of the offense, whether intentional or unintentional, this always becomes a decision point for the offended.
Possible options:
- Silently think about it, stew over it, and passively ignore any response while growing more bitter.
- Wallow in your state of victimhood, waiting endlessly for an apology.
- Plan how you will get sweet revenge.
- Cut the person out of your life. Sever the relationship.
- Forgive the person and move forward.
The Offended Can Become the Offender
Of the options listed above, any choice other than forgiveness leads to a spiraling effect. Rather than the relationship being healed and continuing forward, at some point the offended will become the offender. Maybe the offended one decides to get even. Or, less maliciously, they might decide to stop trying to mend the relationship, to stop being helpful, to stop listening, to match the bad behavior with an equivalent one.
A famous preacher uses the phrase “Hurt people hurt people.” This means that if someone who has been offended, wronged, or sinned against leaves the hurt to fester, they will offend and wrong the other person back – or maybe someone else in their life. Either way, the cycle slowly breaks the relationship apart unless someone chooses to forgive – to give another chance – to love regardless of the offense.
Why We Withhold Forgiveness
Most of us have seen this cycle of relational breakdown play out in our lives, and we’ve just seen that any response other than forgiveness leads to relational damage. Why, then, are we so reluctant to forgive?
1. Grievous offense
I get it. Some people do outrageous things to people they say they care about. Your list of grievances may be long and deeply hurtful. Regardless of how deep the cut or how massive the wound, Jesus tells us we have to forgive. No exceptions!
Matthew 6:14-15 – For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Think about the seriousness of that warning! If you withhold forgiveness because the sin is too much, too hurtful, or too painful, then God will not forgive you. Also think about the depth of the sin you have committed against God. You have done some terrible things, and YET He offers forgiveness. He expects the same from those who follow Him.
2. Repeated offense
Sometimes someone continues to wrong us the same way over and over. They say they will change; they say they will stop; but they don’t. After a while you’re tempted just to be done with it! You want to close yourself off and stop offering forgiveness to the one who obviously is not changing. However, Jesus makes it very clear that no matter how often someone sins against you, you never have the right to withhold forgiveness.
Matthew 18:21-22 – Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Remember, the number seven was significant to the Jews. It represented completion because God created the world in seven days. To forgive someone seven times was considered right because it was complete. Jesus, however, extends it to an infinite meaning. We never get to say, “Enough is enough! I’ll never forgive you for sinning against me.”
3. They never asked for forgiveness.
Sometimes people who are wronged wait to forgive because they feel they deserve an apology. They wait to see the offender truly sorry. The sad truth, though, is that often that apology is never coming. You have to decide, are you a person who waits to be asked to forgive, or are you someone who simply forgives? The Apostle Paul instructs us about this type of situation in Colossians 3:13 – Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
The phrase “bear with” points to those times you have to be around people who are hard to be around. You don’t enjoy yourself, but you “bear with” such a person. As you are patient, and as you overlook offenses, you are forgiving them. The things they say are likely not meant to be hurtful. They aren’t likely to offer an apology.
Here’s something worth noting: nowhere in scripture does the Bible say to go ask somebody for an apology. You go to a fellow Christian to confront them with their sin, but nowhere are we told to ask for an apology. It’s just not in there. Still, we must forgive even if the other person never asks for forgiveness.
4. Easily offended
I don’t want to belittle any offenses anyone has received, but some people are especially touchy and easily offended. They seem to wallow in their victimhood and think they are most often treated unfairly. I don’t want anyone to feel that way, but at times you have to simply ignore what people say or do that offends you.
This is a fine line of balance. Teachers have to walk it every day when helping elementary students discern whether to tell the teacher and keep a situation safe or to be a tattle-tale who gets upset because “Billy looked at me funny.”
King Solomon, who wrote Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, gives some very “Disney” advice. He tells us to “Let It Go.”
Proverbs 12:16 – Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 – 21 Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you— 22 for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.
Simply put, we don’t have time or energy to hold onto every mean word that comes our way. We have to be willing to overlook the insults and ignore the small stuff. It won’t get us anywhere to focus on it.
The closer the person, the greater the hurt
Forgiving can be incredibly difficult, especially when the people who hurt you the deepest are those closest to you. Unfortunately, that’s how relationships work. That’s why the words or actions of a spouse or parent or child tend to hurt a lot worse than those of some disgruntled person at work.
King David experienced this pain and wrote about it in Psalm 55:12-14:
12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.
We expect our enemies to attack us, but we don’t expect friendly fire. For some reason, BECAUSE we are close to someone, we often feel we can say anything to them because of our relationship. However, those words still hurt, sometimes even more than if they came from someone who was only an acquaintance. I bring up this point to help you recognize the importance of caring for your most important relationships. Your words can cut deep. Always handle those closest to you with care. If you don’t, you might find you don’t have any close relationships in your life as people realize you are unsafe to be around.
Why Forgiveness Is Important
Why do we have to forgive? What do we gain by doing the difficult work of forgiving people who have deeply wounded us, sometimes again and again, and have never asked for our forgiveness? Here are four reasons:
1. We must forgive if we want forgiveness
This is not optional. I don’t know how this works theologically; but I know that since Jesus gave this warning, we need to take it seriously. We have to see the close tie between our forgiveness of others and how it is rooted in Jesus’s forgiveness of our own sins. Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God in Christ forgave you.
We can take solace in knowing our willingness to forgive does not mean the offender will escape judgment for bad behavior. Jesus commands us to forgive; but Paul warns us in Romans 12:19: Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.” We forgive because Jesus forgives us; we leave the judgment to God.
2. Forgiveness is honored by others
Proverbs 19:11 – A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to no one’s glory to overlook an offense. Those who hold onto everything seem petty to the watching world. While it is costly to forgive someone who has wronged you, it is more costly to the rest of your relationships if others see you as a person with no patience and no willingness to overlook their wrongs.
3. We will receive mercy from others.
Proverbs 28:13 – Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. When we offend and fail to ask for forgiveness, we risk turning the offended person into an enemy who is no longer looking after our best interest. Seeking forgiveness removes the opportunity for the relationship to become infected. Often the offended will show mercy and appreciate that you recognized your error.
4. Reconciled relationships only possible with forgiveness
God’s forgiveness is required to bring us into a right relationship with Him. Our forgiveness of others is also required to put us in right relationship with Him.
Think about it. You can’t be in a healthy, happy relationship when you’re holding grudges, keeping score on wrongs, passively growing bitter, or actively planning revenge to even the score.
I do have to make a disclaimer. A restored relationship does not necessarily look like it used to. If the person has abused you or proven to be untrustworthy to you or your family, forgiveness does not mean having the SAME relationship. In the new relationship you will let go of the hurt but also live within new boundaries.
Conclusion
The secret to great relationships is not avoiding all offenses. That is never going to happen. The secret lies in how we deal with the offense once it occurs. Our forgiveness of others leads to love, joy, restoration and forgiveness from God.
The choice is yours, but it seems so clear. Love and life, or hatred and death. Jesus taught us the best way to diffuse difficult situations, and then He lived it out by offering forgiveness to all by His death on the cross. No matter what a person has done to you, if you are a follower of Jesus, you need to follow His path and offer forgiveness. If you have tried this and still hold bitterness in your heart, give that bitterness to God and let go of the offense in prayer. God is always ready to listen.
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