So often we find ourselves upset with somebody because of unspoken cues we noticed and then we tell ourselves a story about that person’s motives and beliefs. Pretty soon these assumptions drive an unnecessary wedge in our relationships. In the book of Joshua we see a situation just like this almost start a civil war between the tribes of Israel. In this message we take a look at how they resolved the conflict and the pattern we should follow.
Message
Today we finish our series on relationships. I hope you have enjoyed this series and have found it as practical and challenging as I have. Before I ever preach these messages, I have to wrestle with the topic all week and consider whether I am living this out in a way worth following. I have loved these reminders that I need relationships in my life, I need to be hospitable, I need to be nice to everyone, I need to forgive, and I need to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Now for today’s topic. Have you ever been in a situation in which you were arguing with someone about something but weren’t sure how you got into the argument in the first place? Likely it was a minor issue until someone made an assumption about someone else. One person became offended and defensive. The bell rang and the fight was on! I’m amazed at how quickly we can go from smooth waters to rough seas in our relationships with others.
I once had this type of experience in ministry with a good friend who served as a youth leader with me. I knew her well – joked with her – and had no reason to doubt her intentions. I gave her some ideas of what I wanted done and how she could move forward. The next day she replied to my email with what she thought would work best, and it differed in several ways from what I had asked for. My immediate response: “TRAITOR”!
How could she do this to me? Didn’t she trust my leadership? Did she think she knew better than I did about my own area of expertise? I made all these terrible assumptions about her intentions. In my frustration I vented to my wife about how people NEVER do this and ALWAYS do that; and she, in her infinite wisdom, said, “Ryan, just call her.” Not wanting to deal with the conflict, I said, “No”; so my wife called me a big baby and told me to just deal with it. (She’s my rock! God knew I needed Michelle in my life!)
I made the call that night, and guess what? I had told myself a story about this person’s motives and feelings toward me that were completely untrue. I jumped to thinking the worst about this good friend’s intentions. After that call, when everything was cleared up, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! This little story exemplifies what gets us into trouble quickly in our relationships – we assume the worst.
I know I’m not the only one who makes these crazy mind-jumps about friends, spouses, co-workers, people we serve with at church, pastors. The list goes on and on. It’s as though we forget, in the moment of miscommunication, all the goodwill this person has shown us; and we make this person an opponent. Maybe a spouse of dozens of years comes home after a bad day at work, snaps at something said to him, and BOOM! “There he goes again. He’s ALWAYS like this. I can’t believe he doesn’t trust/care for/love me.” (You fill in the blank.)
The reason I know I’m not the only one to experience this is that it is a part of the human condition. It’s part of being in relationships with others in this broken, sin-infested world. We see it all the way back in Genesis 3, when Adam and Eve, the first people on this earth, sinned. I can guarantee you they made a lot of assumptions about what God would do to them for eating that fruit! That’s why they hid. They didn’t want to address the conflict with God. They wanted to run from it because of what they thought He would do.
When Assuming Nearly Causes a Civil War
The best example of assuming the worst about someone, driving a wedge into a relationship and having to deal with the mess that creates is found in Joshua 22. I love that I can use a little-known Old Testament story to drive home the point of a message about relational conflict.
Here is the setup to the story in Joshua 22. Near the end of the forty years the Israelites wandered in the wilderness, they began to approach Canaan, the land God promised them as an inheritance. Earlier, in the book of Numbers, we see that along their way the Israelites defeated several kings on the eastern side of the Jordan River. Two and a half of the twelve tribes of Israel liked this land they were passing through and asked if their inheritance could be this land east of the Jordan. Moses allowed this, so long as they promised to go with the other tribes and help them take over the Promised Land on the west side of the Jordan. The entire book of Joshua chronicles the Israelites going through this land and defeating all the people in the area so they could take the land God had promised them. By the end of the book of Joshua, all the land has been conquered.
Joshua 22:1–5 (NIV): Then Joshua summoned the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh and said to them, “You have done all that Moses the servant of the Lord commanded, and you have obeyed me in everything I commanded. For a long time now—to this very day—you have not deserted your fellow Israelites but have carried out the mission the Lord your God gave you. Now that the Lord your God has given them rest as he promised, return to your homes in the land that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you on the other side of the Jordan. But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you: to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
Joshua is telling them, “Job well done, guys.” He’s relieving them of their duty and reminding them of their covenant to serve God with all their heart and soul.
Joshua 22:9–12 (NIV): So the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh left the Israelites at Shiloh in Canaan to return to Gilead, their own
land. . . . When they came to Geliloth near the Jordan . . . they built an imposing altar there by the Jordan. And when the Israelites heard that they had built the altar . . . the whole assembly of Israel gathered at Shiloh to go to war against them.
WOW! That sure turned in a hurry! Right after being reminded to worship only God, they built a giant altar. The rest of the Israelites – the ones who had just been fighting shoulder to shoulder with them – immediately got ready to go to battle against them. Obviously, they were making some assumptions about why this altar was built.
Before engaging in war, however, the Israelites sent Phinehas (the priest) and a leader from each of the ten tribes on the west side of the Jordan to express their concern. They said:
Joshua 22:16–18 (NIV): “How could you break faith with the God of Israel like this? How could you turn away from the Lord and build yourselves an altar in rebellion against him now? Was not the sin of Peor enough for us? Up to this very day we have not cleansed ourselves from that sin, even though a plague fell on the community of the Lord! And are you now turning away from the Lord? If you rebel against the Lord today, tomorrow he will be angry with the whole community of Israel.”
Do you see the story they are telling themselves here? They are assuming that the altar had been built to worship other gods – that it was an act of rebellion. Really, the only reason they cared was that they were afraid God would punish THEM for the sins of these other tribes. They had seen such punishment years earlier when, after many people sinned by worshiping Baal, God wiped out 24,000 Israelites by a plague.
Joshua 22:21–28 (NIV): Then Reuben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh replied to the heads of the clans of Israel:
“No! We did it for fear that someday your descendants might say to ours, ‘What do you have to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? The Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you—you Reubenites and Gadites! You have no share in the Lord.’
“That is why we said, ‘Let us get ready and build an altar—but not for burnt offerings or sacrifices.’ On the contrary, it is to be a witness between us and you and the generations that follow, that we will worship the Lord . . . . Then in the future your descendants will not be able to say to ours, ‘You have no share in the Lord.’ And we said, ‘If they ‘ever say this to us, or to our descendants, we will answer: ‘Look at the replica of the Lord’s altar, which our ancestors built, not for burnt offerings and sacrifices, but as a witness between us and you.’”
Now we’re getting to the truth. The altar was not for worshipping other gods. It was a reminder that God’s people were living on both sides of the Jordan River. Notice that both parties in this conflict did what they did because of fear caused by bad assumptions. The ten tribes on the west were afraid God would punish them for the sin of the other tribes. Meanwhile, the altar was built in the first place because of a fear of being forgotten and removed from God’s blessing.
Look at the final resolution:
Joshua 22:30 (NIV): When Phinehas the priest and the leaders of the community – the heads of the clans of the Israelites – heard what Reuben, Gad and Manasseh had to say, they were pleased.
So they returned home and reported to the Israelites everything that happened.
Joshua 22:33 (NIV): They were glad to hear the report and praised God.
How Assumptions Wreck our Relationships
We may shake our heads in disbelief at this story, but it is SO US! We do exactly the same thing. We see someone act a bit differently than they usually do, and we assume they are mad at us. Or we see someone in public or in the church foyer and they turn and walk away. Then we tell ourselves stories about why they did that, when it might be just because they didn’t see you!
Satan, our enemy, loves to watch us doubt one another and create conflict where none exists; and we inflict this pain on ourselves because we don’t feel secure in the other person’s love for us. We assume the worst because we doubt. We don’t fully trust because people have hurt us in the past and now we expect that from everyone.
God, however, wants much more for us! He wants us to be free from the doubt and insecurity that plague us and cause these negative assumptions. He wants us to enjoy and be blessed by all the relationships He has put into our lives. He wants us to find a way to get beyond our negative assumptions, our past hurts, and the times people have broken our trust. We must stop carrying the past into every future relationship in life.
From Assumptions to Clarity
What, then, should you do when you think there’s a miscommunication or you feel yourself making assumptions about the actions and words of others.
- Address the situation. Just like our need to forgive so that offense doesn’t take root, you cannot let conflict fester or it will only get worse as you make more and more negative – and wrong – assumptions.
- Share both sides of the story. This can be challenging, but both people need to feel like they can safely share what they think is going on from their perspective. This is not a time to be defensive, but to be humble and receptive.
- Feel relief from the clarity. Now that the tension has been resolved and the assumptions are swept away, both of you can feel better and your relationship will be deeper as you have proved to each other that you CAN BE TRUSTED.
- Praise God. I think this is a step we forget, but the Israelites recognized that God was worthy of praise for helping them resolve this mess. We also should thank Him when our conflicts are cleared up.
I have walked through this exact process many times in my life. I remember clearly a time when I felt like my relationship with a co-worker was off. I felt she was being snippy with me, and I wanted to retaliate by being snippy back. The problem was that I didn’t even know what was wrong. I was simply offended. I was acting defensive and was not enjoying our friendship. I made it a point to go talk with her and humbly say I thought things felt off and wanted to make them right. It was hard for me to get up the nerve to have that conversation, but I felt so much better after we talked. After that, my friendship with my co-worker became stronger than ever.
On Your Team
If you often feel offended or often assume people are against you, and if relationships are a struggle for you, I encourage you to think about all the people who are ON YOUR TEAM. This concept of thinking of your support system, family and friends as YOUR TEAM came to me while I was training to be a foster parent. The instructors told us to reassure a troubled child by telling them everybody is on their team. Their parents, the DHS worker, the therapists, the teachers and the foster parents are all there to HELP the child. They are all on the child’s team.
As adults, when in conflict, we tend to forget who is on our team. Just like the Israelites, we make opponents of our teammates. Let the following statements sink in, and hold on to them when you want to assume the worst about somebody.
- Your family and spouse are on your team. Your parents, your spouse and your kids care about you. They may say and do things you don’t like, but they’re not trying to hurt you. They come from different generations, and they see things dramatically different than you do; but they’re not your enemies. Remember that when you are in an argument, especially with your spouse. He or she may say things that bug you or make you feel challenged, but don’t assume the worst and retaliate. Instead, address it. Talk about it. Another option is to simply overlook it and move on, chalking it up to a bad day for them. Let your relationship grow as you learn to trust each other as teammates.
- Your church family is on your team. This is what makes church different from the world. We are all to show the love of Jesus to one another and to be a picture of unity in a fractured, fighting world. Yes, we may disagree about how to do things or how to handle situations, but we cannot forget that by being a part of the family of God we are teammates. We should have the same ultimate goal – to see more and more people come to experience the amazing love of God. When you feel like something isn’t right with someone, rather than making assumptions and creating an opponent, let unity lead as you walk through our differences.
- Your God is on your team. You may not always remember this statement, or you may struggle with it. God is a God of love who wants to be in relationship with you. He’s not sitting in the clouds judging everything you do, trying to determine whether to bless or curse you. When you mess up, you don’t need to hide like Adam and Eve did, assuming He will strike you with lightning. He loves you. Trust His love. Stop assuming the worst about Him and skipping church for weeks at a time trying to hide from Him. Instead, approach Him and talk about your struggles, and feel the incredible relief of God’s deep forgiveness.
Conclusion
God created each of us for relationship with Him and with one another, but our sinful nature causes us to make these relations far more challenging than they ought to be. We can create mountains out of molehills, like the Israelites did when they threatened to start a civil war with the people they had formerly triumphed alongside in war. Our insecurities and doubts lead us into all sorts of negative assumptions that steal our joy and strain perfectly good relationships. God wants more than that for us! He wants us to know how to deal with these situations rather than letting them fester. He wants us to trust that our families, our friends, our churches, and our God are on our team! They are here to help us, not to tear us down. Stop assuming the worst.
I can’t wait until we all get to heaven and our relationships are seamless and smooth, when love flows freely and all our relationships are uplifting and healthy. However, while we live in this fallen world with our own sinful issues and the sin of others, we have to be intentional about building relationships. We must intentionally resolve conflict, maintain boundaries, overlook offense, offer forgiveness, and welcome strangers. We are called to be peacemakers and reconcilers and to demonstrate to the world the life-giving benefit of community. I want that type of community. I want strong relationships like that. Will you join me in committing to putting this series into practice so we can experience the type of community Jesus models for us?
Our prayer:
- Give us courage to deal with conflict with others and experience the joy of resolution.
- Forgive us for jumping to conclusions about others.
- Give us security to stop being offended and so easily thinking the worst of others.
- Help us to trust that YOU are on our team.
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