Words Part 2

Today we continue our series called “The Power of Words.”

Last week we looked at how words matter. They can be a fountain of life, or, as James says, they can be a flame that sets the forest on fire and brings death and destruction.

For homework last week, I asked you to pay attention to how you use your words. How many of you have paid closer attention to your words this past week? How are you doing? Do you fall short more than you thought? More than you hoped?

When you start paying attention, you realize how many words you speak and how easy it is to let something cruel or unkind slip out, especially if you are upset, frustrated, or tired. Yet our words are an extremely important piece of all our relationships. When we use them to tear people down, we are sabotaging our relationships and wounding the people we care about. That’s why the Bible has so much to say about our use of words.

In fact, the Bible is so detailed about sinful words we speak that we are going to continue where we left off last week. We will extend last week’s message looking at the specific sinful ways we tear down others, but we won’t end on that sour note. We will then look at the gracious words God wants us to use to build others up.

Tear Up Words That Tear Down

To begin, we will look at how we can tear up the words we use to tear down others. We have to know what words are damaging and destroying others if we are going to be able to tear them out of our speech.

The problem is that usually a lot of people hear the story you’ve told, and words spoken can never be taken back. The rumors run and the damage grows. Just as the Proverb says, gossip destroys relationships, ruins church unity, and is a disease that continually festers unless we, as Christians, choose to be done with it.

Slander
Slander is like gossip, but is intentionally sharing damaging information about someone. While gossip is just mindless chatter, slander is malicious.

James 4:11 – Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another.
Leviticus 19:18 – Do not go about spreading slander among your people.

Often bitterness and anger are at the root of why you choose to intentionally speak negatively about your enemy. You want to tear them down so you can feel vindicated.

Criticism
When you criticize, you pick out things someone is not doing the way you think they should. It is usually rooted in a failure to love and often also rooted in pride. Since you think you know the best way for things to be done, you feel you have the right to criticize when other people don’t measure up.

Think about how the Pharisees constantly criticized Jesus. They had no respect for Him, and they thought He was some unlearned Galilean who had no business teaching the people the things of God.

Sarcasm
Sarcasm is hurtful words masquerading as humor. It is meant to inflict pain. It goes far beyond teasing, which is actually a bonding activity between friends. You know you have crossed from good-natured teasing to sarcasm when the person on the receiving end is no longer laughing.

Proverbs 26:18-19 – 18Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death 19is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

For some reason, sarcasm is widely accepted in our society and is the backbone of many comedians’ sets and TV shows. It makes everyone laugh . . . except the person who takes the direct shot from the flaming arrow.

This is also one of the few situations on the list in which people feel justified in saying, “I just have a sarcastic personality.” No, you don’t. You learned  that style of humor and it makes you feel good to draw attention to yourself while tearing others down. We need to stop it!

Deception
This one is a lot more obvious. God is truth. He will never deceive or spew lies; but from the beginning, that has been the way Satan has tried to destroy us. We then find that sometimes lying works for us, and so we join in.

Psalm 34:14 – Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.
Proverbs 12:22 – The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

Deception can take the form of a direct lie meant to hurt somebody or it can be an indirect lie to keep you from looking bad. It can also look like something much more innocent – like simple flattery. Even flattery, however, if completely untrue, can end up hurting the person who is flattered.

I remember some of the first seasons of American Idol. There were contestants who had no business going on national TV to sing, but those kids had all the confidence in the world because their parents had flattered them by telling them they were so good. Nope – they were objectively terrible. While no one needed to say that so harshly, the contestants also didn’t need to be lied to.

Angry Words
Some people lose complete control of their words when they are angry. In the emotion of the moment, words spew forth that might never be spoken if the person were more self-controlled. Once those words fly out, they cut deeply!

Proverbs 12:18 – The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Angry words quickly make disagreements escalate. The actual disagreement stops being what the fight is about, but it instead centers on the hurtful words being spewed out in anger. Sometimes angry words come out even when a person isn’t shouting but is so full of anger they WANT their words to hurt. Rather than a physical fight, they let their words do the fighting. There is no love in that approach.

Grumbling
You might not think grumbling fits this list, but God had a major problem with the grumbling of the Israelites in the wilderness. If you have ever spent much time with an “Eyore” who complains about everything, you realize hos it quickly beats you down when you have to listen to it all the time.

Philippians 2:14-15 – 14Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.

I love how Paul uses grumbling and arguing as the differentiating factors between Christians and the crooked generation. In the same way, we have the opportunity to find satisfaction in all of life rather than grumbling about everything. Ultimately, when we grumble we are saying God did something wrong in allowing us to have to deal with such a difficult or uncomfortable situation. Don’t’ do that! It’s a bad look. A better approach is to help find a solution rather than always complaining about the problem.

Judgment
Matthew 7:1-3 – ¹Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ³Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye.

This is the part that hits me right between the eyes! I have found that the root of judgment is the belief that you are right . . . about everything! And so you feel you have the right to judge everybody else for not measuring up to your own perfection. How disgustingly self-centered! Yet I fall for it all the time. I imagine I am not alone.

When you look at that list, probably some of those sinful categories apply to you more than others. Few of us probably fail in all these areas, but few of us probably can look at this list and think, “Nope, none of that describes me.”

Right now, take a moment to think about which of these are your biggest temptations. Maybe you need to write it down. Definitely let this be an area of prayer this week. Repent. Confess this sin, and seek to remove it from your life. These words of fire will come back to haunt you. As we saw last week, they are the fruit you will eat – or as we say nowadays, “One day you will eat your words.” Seek to tear out these words from your speech.

Build In Words That Build Up

Now, turning to the positive, gracious words of life we can offer to others, let’s look at the ways we can build into our lives words that build up.

Here’s a key verse on this topic.

Ephesians 4:29 – Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Life-Giving
“That it may benefit. . . .”

Jesus came to give us new life. As representatives of our Savior, all we do should bring life. We can’t say we are pro-life and we help the poor, and then have our speech reveal self-centered hearts and tear others down. Both our actions and our words need to be life-giving and for the benefit of our neighbor.

Others-Centered
“Helpful for building others up according to their needs. . . .”

The opposite of self-centered words are “others-centered” words, which meet people in their need. Speaking this kind of words takes listening. (Remember, we have two ears and only one mouth.) When we listen, we are better able to speak gently into a situation at the place most helpful to the other person.

Comforting
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – ³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

This is one of the best gifts we, as Christians, can give the world – words of comfort that come from the Comforter, the Holy Spirit himself. Think about a time you were in a dark place and someone came and said something that felt like a balm on your broken heart. It’s a medicine that we can offer hurting people.

The following verse actually speaks to the final two ways our words can build others up:  Titus 2:15 – Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.

Encouraging
This world is hard, and it’s easy to feel beaten down. That’s why words of encouragement or affirmation are so important. They build up, they provide confidence, and they strengthen people who are feeling weary.

Confronting
I know this seems odd as a word for building up; but just as children need to be disciplined to achieve their potential, we should not fear loving confrontation for the purpose of building up and helping a person move past their sin. Words of life aren’t just sugary and sweet. Sometimes they include tough love. Tough – as in confronting for the person’s betterment, but also in a heart and attitude of love because you don’t want to tear them down, but to build them up.

How >What

I think the ending of Titus 2:15 is very telling about our next point. Paul ends by writing: Do not let anyone despise you. In connection with what he just told Titus – to rebuke people – Paul is obviously making a point: even though you will need to rebuke and discipline people, be careful about HOW you do it. You don’t want to be harsh and have people despise you for it. You see, even if what you are saying is right, if you say it the wrong way, you can appear very wrong. How you say it is more important than what you say!

Let’s say you try to have a sensitive conversation with your spouse about a significant concern. However, the conversation becomes an argument and you speak sharply, make accusations, and are harsh with your assessment. At that moment, is your spouse attentively listening to the merit of your argument? No. Your approach has put them into a defensive position, so the message is lost.

We’ve probably all had conversations like this, when the message was lost or misinterpreted because of the WAY something was said. It’s super-common, and yet many people continue to be careless about HOW they communicate with others.

Paul gives us great advice in Colossians 4:6: Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

“Full of grace.” “Seasoned with salt.” These words point to the tone of how you say what needs to be said.

In addition to the tone of your words, we must recognize that body language is equally important. How loudly or softly you speak will communicate your level of anger. Crossing your arms instantly puts up a barrier between you and the other person; your body language tells them you are really upset.

When it comes to communication via social media, email, or text, be especially careful. Tone and body language are not involved here, so it’s especially easy for words to be received differently than intended. For this reason, I recommend NEVER having important conversations via text. I know that for some people, having personal conversations face to face can be intimidating, but doing it through a screen almost ALWAYS leads to wrong assumptions.

Proverbs 15:1 points out why this is all such a big deal: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

The WAY you communicate – the “HOW” – is directly responsible for how your words will be received. They can stir up anger or turn it away; and the difference in these responses is not WHAT is said, but HOW it is said.

Beyond the tone and body language you use as you communicate is the general posture you take in the conversation.

1 Peter 5:5 – All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another. To me, this is one of the biggest points to take away. Even if you are the boss – or the parent, or the leader of the group – when you have to speak a challenging word, you have the best chance of helping the other person receive the word if you take a position of humility. Take the posture of a friend who wants to build up, rather than a critic who wants to tear down.

“Why” Leads to “How”

This tees up my final point of the day: Your Why Leads to How.” Your motivation for why you say what you say will impact how you say it. Are you seeking to be a fountain or a fire? Do you actually have this person’s best interest at heart? Are you being others-centered or self-centered?

Your motivation behind your words is the key to everything here. It’s why the same thing can be said in various situations and be received in completely different ways.

• “You look fabulous in that outfit!” Is this flattery to make yourself look good, or encouragement to build up another person?
• “You have to stop this annoying habit!” Is this criticism because YOU don’t like the habit, or actual words of challenge to help them avoid a behavior that is hindering their success?
• Early in my preaching experience, an older man told me simply, “You don’t have to say ‘All right’ at the end of every sentence.” Because of who he was and how he said this, I didn’t become defensive. I knew he was simply trying to help me become a better preacher.
• “Let’s pray for the Smiths’ marriage. They are always fighting.” This is a common way Christians gossip – by covering it as a prayer request. This doesn’t mean every time a prayer request like this comes it is intended as gossip. Sometimes it’s a genuine plea for prayer. Again, WHAT is being said can be used to either Tear Down or Build Up. It depends completely on the motivation of the one speaking those words and HOW they say them.

Conclusion

Proverbs 25:11 (ESV) – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

“A word fitly spoken” – I like that phrase. Speaking a life-giving others-centered word in a way that communicates love and care is like apples of gold.

Today’s message has the same application as last week’s: your words matter, so choose them wisely. However, as you can see, there are many ways (some you maybe never thought about) that your words might be tearing someone down.

Also, HOW you say something is as important as WHAT you say. Too many people don’t consider that aspect, and they wonder why they end up in arguments over silly things. Often it’s because of a miscommunication about HOW you said something.

So be intentional
Continue to pay attention to the fire or the fountain of words coming out of your mouth. Ask God to help you change how you speak so you may be speaking the life-giving, gracious words God created you to speak.